...and the cars go by

Sister #1 here

I’ve finally come to a place in my heart that I can write and share about the last four months.

  I’ve been on an intense roller coaster ride; upside down, sideways, looped, corkscrewed, you name it I've felt it.

   I celebrated my 27^th year anniversary in August watching my husband safely sleep and that my sisters felt like a blessing. 
Let me explain. 

 My husband, Matthew, suffers from Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD and anxiety. Together we’ve been able to manage these conditions by being pro-active with the proper medication, spiritual and family support, and exercise.  He’s an avid marathoner having run 42+ marathons, two of which he qualified to run in the Boston Marathon (and just found out this past week he qualified for a 3rd Boston!), so he is no stranger to accomplishment, dedication and having to work through difficult struggles.  We haven’t been extremely vocal about his depression, but we also have not hidden it either.  If people ask, we share.  It’s just not something you broadcast. 

  

 HELLO WORLD.  nope. 

ya know?    

There is a certain stigma that follows depression…that is different from say cancer or a broken leg.   However, each needs the proper spiritual, mental and medical care to heal.

The first part of June my husband made a career change.  It was obviously a difficult time for him as the company and position he help to create over the last 7 years was bought and sold to a new company, which required a long commute.  Rather than stay we both felt it best that he move on.  It was a leap of faith...and we made the leap.  We were quickly blessed with a new job opportunity.  We viewed it as a blessing from above as we currently have one son serving an LDS mission and were in the processes of sending out a second son.  It was apparent after a few weeks at the new job that things were not going well for Matt.  He was having a difficult time coping with the new responsibilities, every day decisions and I was finding him hibernating in our bedroom sleeping.  The thought of a new day was not a pleasant thought for him.  As a wife I kept thinking once he gets the hang of things he’ll bounce right back just as he always does, but this time was different.  He wasn’t bouncing back and I could see that even the simplest of things he could not cope with.  It’s difficult for me to even write or admit that at the time I didn’t have much patience having never really experienced depression myself.   Thinking, “Just force yourself to think more positive thoughts”, “We have two missionaries to support, you’ve got to keep this job”, " “If you would just join the family and not stay in your bed all day you’d feel better”, "We need you to be healthy!", “Heavenly Father please don’t let this happen now!”, “Where do I turn?”  No matter how much I tried no amount of words, positive reinforcement, love, kindness and prayer seemed to affected his mood.   He was numb.  No feeling. Flat. No hope.  His eyes had no light.  His mood quickly digressed into active suicidal thinking to the point where I could no longer keep him safe and felt that the only place to keep him out of harm's way was in the hospital where he could receive the proper care, and round the clock monitoring.  

During this time, I would often go out for walks to try to relieve the heavy burden I felt as I too was feeling overwhelmed and - in a way, a little depressed myself.  I typically can jolt myself out of such feelings, but it was surprisingly a little bit more difficult this time around.   How could I carry such a load?  All sorts of feelings and thoughts overwhelmed me.  Of course I knew that I did not  have to do this alone as I had the Savior in my life, but even so my heart still felt heavy.   As I would walk the cars would continue to go by. They never stopped.  Didn't they know?  They would continue go by just as the minutes and days would pass even though I was feeling such sorrow.  Life just doesn't stop and it forces us to experience the moments even though we would sometimes rather not.  

With the help of supportive extended family (OF course my four fan-tab-ulous sissy’s!), church leadership, co-workers, good friends and my two adult sons (who I relied on heavily during this time) we made it through the week he was away in the hospital.   To be honest, that week was easy compared to the weeks and months that followed.   We had to literally take upon the mantra of “one day, one moment at a time” since his return.  We had to reduce all major stressors with exception of his work.  Thankfully he was able to work effectively, but that was all he could give most days.  New medications were introduced, which those of you who might be familiar with anti-depressant meds know that it can take up to 6-8 weeks for the meds to start to work it's magic and even at that the medication could turn out to not work effectively and then need to start over..the cycle can seem overwhelming. At several points in his journey we thought this might be a possibility, fortunately we started to see improvements and hung in there.   During this time we were able to successfully send off our youngest son on his mission, which as many of you know is a major emotional undertaking. I look back and wonder how we did it!?  I was thankful for the little things, which I often overlooked. I still remember the day when he started to sing a song impromptu...my eyes filled with tears in that moment as to me this was a sign that he was improving. 

Four months have past and my heart is again hopefully for the future.  Time is our friend.  That's hard to remember sometimes when you are going through a trial of life.   It has been a slow progression, allowing us both to learn more patience, but one that we have journeyed together.  A journey we are STILL on and probably will be for the remainder of this earthly life.  I have learned so much through this journey.   I have learned patience, love, experienced miracles, The Lord's timing and many tender mercies.  I have learned to view my husband as God sees him, "A Child of God." One worthy of His love and compassion. 

I know that many are affected by depression, whether it be yourself, a loved one or a friend.  I remember listening to this moving talk give by Jeffrey R Holland from the LDS General Conference in October, 2013 called, "Like a Broken Vessel".  Elder Holland shares his own experience with depression and beautiful solutions to those that may feel lost and alone.  My husband refers to this talk often.  It was so good for me to review and listen once again to inspired words of a prophet.  I hope you take the time to listen.

"Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones
 and broke hearts are headed. While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being 

Merciful

Nonjudgemental

 and Kind."

- Jeffrey R Holland -

The cars will always continue to go by...Life doesn't stop even for the weary.  

That is the way it's intended.  

How we choose to experience the moments shapes us.  

Even if our vessel is broken.  

God loves you.  God loves me.

God loves my husband.

Love you Sisters!

Sister #1 out
{I need ice cream now}